By Eddie Capparucci, LPC, CSAS, CPCS
How do you want to be remembered?
It’s probably not a question men often ponder. But we should. In fact, it’s perhaps one of the most critical issues we should address. Why? Because whether we like it or not, we are role models. People are watching us. And when they’re watching, they are observing how we:
- Respond to conflict
- Treat others
- Approach our work and responsibilities
- Act in moments when integrity counts most
- Honor our wives
Whether we realize it or not, people are watching. These include our spouse, children, co-workers, friends, and neighbors. And what they’re observing is the establishing of our legacy – the way people will remember us.
But there is cancer that is destroying the legacies of many men in our world today. It’s called pornography.
“It’s difficult to look at him the same way since finding out about his pornography addiction,” said Mark, a 24-year-old whose father confessed after his 33-year addiction was discovered. “It’s not that I don’t love him anymore, but my image of the man who always did the right thing has been tainted by the pain he caused my mother.”
Whether your spouse and children are aware of your pornography use, you are cheating them. The image they hold of you is nothing more than a façade. Each day, thousands of men are caught engaging in the selfish pleasure of pornography, which results in the breaking of their wives’ and children’s hearts. It is a betrayal that destroys marriages and robs children of their innocence.
“My husband left his pornography unattended, and our 12-year-old son stumbled across it,” says one mother. “My son then started to act out what he saw with his 9-year-old sister. Both of my children are forever damaged by my husband’s filthy habit. Bringing pornography into our home destroyed all of our lives, and I’m not sure I can ever forgive him.”
As men, we can do many things our loved ones respect and admire. But all those deeds are undermined when we allow ourselves to succumb to the darkness of pornography. Failing to get control of our lust can ruin everything we worked hard to achieve while leaving the ones we love seeing us through tainted lenses.
“People in our community look up to him, and he is a Deacon in our church,” remarks Suzanne, who continues to struggle with feelings of betrayal after discovering her husband’s long-time pornography use. “But the image he portrays is phony. He’s not the man they think he is. When I hear someone praise him, I cringe. Yet, he keeps up the charade, which leads me to continue to lose whatever respect I still have for him.”
As men, we must challenge ourselves to uncover the insights behind our use of pornography. You don’t engage because of a pang of uncontrollable sexual hunger. Instead, pornography is a tool to distract yourself from emotional distress. And in many cases, you may not be conscious of the emotional pain.
In his book Unwanted, Jay Stringer sums up the rationale for pornography is a wonderful word picture. “How did I get there? One way of thinking about unwanted sexual behavior is to see it as the convergence of two rivers; your past and the difficulties you face in the present.”
To become a man of integrity we need to understand better our emotional hurts and how they occurred. That takes serious self-reflection and courage. It’s not an easy process, but it is gratifying and fruitful. There is no doubt pornography serves as an excellent tool to help men escape painful feelings. But it’s also a damaging tool that kills legacies.
How do you want to be remembered?
Thanks for the article, Eddie. Very insightful. God help those struggling. They are not alone!