The 9 Reasons Addicts Abuse Sex

By Eddie Capparucci, LPC, CSAS, CPCS

Not being able to determine why individuals abuse sex is the number one frustration for both the individual and partner when a sexual integrity issue is exposed. The inability to understand why a spouse can’t stop acting out sexually leaves everyone involved feeling helpless and hopeless.  

If you were to ask a client who has been diagnosed with a sex/porn addiction “what do you believe is the reason you abuse sex” they would probably give one of the following answers:

• “I have no ”
• “I wish I ”
• “I think it’s just who I ”
• “I think I am simply ”
• “I’m ”
• “I’m ”
• “I’m just a ”
• “I’m a bad ”
• “I mentally ”
• “I am too self-absorbed.”
• “I lack ”

I have heard all those comments and more when asking the “why” question. Without a clear-cut rationale for their actions, individuals will just default to believing it’s a character flaw. In their minds, the obsessed focus on sex is the result of overactive sexual energy. However, they’re wrong.

Nine Reasons for Abusing Sex

I believe sex/porn addicts are not born; they are created. Individuals who endure traumas which include: physical, emotional, mental, or sexual abuse, as well as neglect, are more at risk of developing a sex/porn addiction to distract themselves from distress. In my clinical practice, I have uncovered 9 reasons why addiction occurs. The interesting aspect regarding these reasons is only one has anything to do with sex.

The following is a brief overview of each. It is not uncommon for clients to identify multiple reasons. I found this to be the case in nearly 90% of individuals I have worked with.

1. Life Lacks Stimulation Some clients were raised in an environment that offered little in the way of positive interaction among family members. Even when surrounded by people these young boys felt isolated and alone. They grow up entertaining themselves and find it more comfortable to be alone. At some point, they discovered sex and experienced a level of stimulation they had never felt before. As adults, they fill quiet moments with the quest to obtain the chemical rush sex delivers.
2. Need for Affirmation These clients grew up receiving little in the way of praise, or a constant stream of criticism. The result is they suffer from low self-worth. They may believe they are worthless, even though they may be successful. Their quest is to seek affirmation and feel desired. Some discovered they could receive praise by being an unselfish sex partner. This leads them to seek affirmation based on their ability to provide sexual satisfaction to their partners.
3. Need for Attention As young children these clients never felt they “belonged.” They were rarely sought out and had to chase friends and family members for attention. Today, they still crave to “belong.” Their desire for attention is so strong, whatever they may receive from their spouse is not satisfying enough. Therefore, they seek out additional attention from others to satisfy their emotional desires. Even if they are not aggressively seeking attention, if someone expresses an interest in them they may find it difficult to walk away. 
4. Inability to Emotionally Connect These clients have a difficult time emotionally connecting with others. Along the way, they received the message feelings were not important – or dangerous – and therefore they’re unable to emotionally bond in a healthy way. They use sex and physical intimacy as a substitute for emotional intimacy.
5. Need for Control Growing up in a hectic and chaotic environment these children seek to control their surroundings. Why? Because as the past demonstrated to them, when a situation was out-of-control they suffer consequences. Therefore, by taking control, they believe they’re preventing bad things from occurring. They utilize sex as a distraction to the events in which they have no control.
6. A sense of Entitlement These individuals were made to feel de-valued as children and teenagers. They lacked a voice or felt their desires and needs did not matter. As they got older, they turned to sex as a “reward.”
7. Feelings of Inferiority or Weakness These are clients who were conditioned to believe they are weak and inferior. They use sex to feel empowered or to reinforce their sense of inferiority. They may focus on fantasies that involved dominance and submission. Worldview: “I deserve to be used” or “I must use others.”
8. Stress Buster These individuals grew up feeling anxious due to being raised in an environment that produced neglect, abuse, or trauma. In many cases, they have been desensitized to their anxiety and may not even be aware that it exists. They discovered sex could soothe their anxiety by serving as a distraction to everyday chaos. However, the quest for sex adds an additional stressor to their lives.
9. Early Sexual Stimulation and/or Abuse These clients were subjected to sexual stimulation at an early age – stumbling across pornography or being sexually molested. This early sexual stimulation can lead to many irrational beliefs about sex and themselves, including they are “dirty” or “bad.” These clients could utilize sex to punish themselves or to hurt others.

Sex/Porn Addiction Creates Runners

      As you may have noticed, there is one common theme that runs throughout these 9 reasons – all of them are useful in helping to distract emotional and mental distress. In many cases, the pain is the result of events that took place years or decades ago and has been locked away into the subconscious mind. This can leave clients frustrated as they try to determine why they engage in sexual behaviors that are destructive to themselves and others.

      There is a level of psychological complexity not understood by most clients dealing with a sexual or pornography addiction. But once these individuals have insight they are prepared to embark on a journey of recovery that goes far beyond behavioral modification. They will be on the pathway of changing their hearts.